


The Loved and Lost

by NanakiBH



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Afterlife, Ghosts, M/M, Reunions, Unspoken Love, post-MGS4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-20 00:06:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4766021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd let himself be caught this time. There was no escaping him now, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Loved and Lost

**Author's Note:**

> My last Big Boss/Ocelot fic was literally from _ten years ago._ I used to think it was some kind of crackship, but MGSV just charged in and made them look super canon. Who knew?
> 
> This takes place directly after MGS4's graveyard scene. Since ghosts are a real thing in the MGS universe, I was like Yeah, sure, why not. This makes total sense to me. Sounds plausible.

Tired eyes opened without exhaustion, blinking slowly in the flood of light that blinded his vision. This was death, he thought to himself absently, noticing that the pain had already departed like an afterthought.

Before him, the silhouette that stood in his clearing vision was not that of his copy, his son, the soldier he'd come to respect, though it was an undeniably familiar figure. He expected him to either come nearer or walk away, to vanish again before he finally had the chance to see his face again, but, instead, he stayed. He sat atop one of the headstones a few paces away, kicking one foot over the other, locking his ankles together.

Slender fingers drew a thin cigarette to his lips and a slithering trail of smoke rose from his lips like a ghost. Cat-like eyes appraised him carefully before he spoke at last.

“I've got you cornered. You can't slip away this time.”

So like a dream, he looked no different than he did the first time they'd met. That face, that uniform, even his arrogant posture... But the look in his eyes was different. He wasn't that inexperienced kid from so long ago. When he said he was cornered, this time, he knew that he was cornered for sure.

It was probably too much to hope that he was dreaming. If he just closed his eyes...

“Stop trying to pass on, already! That isn't funny!”

When he chuckled to himself, he was surprised to find even the sound of his own voice nostalgic. It threw him for a moment, cutting his laugh abrupt, making him pause for long enough to really think about what was going on. It was just like them to ignore the weight of a situation and bicker, but this was something heavier than anything before.

“I was waiting here this whole time. In case you're wondering– Yeah. I heard everything you told him. I can't say that I don't share some of your regrets, but I won't say that I regret the things I did on my own.” He dropped his cigarette before he'd even made a noticeable dent in it and crushed it beneath his boot, turning it to ash that disappeared with the wind, no more there than the one who'd held it.

His spurs hit the ground with a sound that echoed hollowly like the sound of shackles as he approached.

He crouched in front of him, rested his arms over his bent knees. “Everything I did, I did for you. I was more than happy to play my part on your stage, even if it meant that I needed to see out the final act on my own. I did everything I had to, and I was happy that way, but...”

Nothing followed. His eyes lowered, staring at the grass between his knees.

It wasn't regret. It was just disappointment.

They all tried to do something good, and they'd gotten carried away. They'd made the wrong decisions with good intentions, and all of their mistakes were ultimately undone by their own creations. By the time it all came apart and piled like rubble at their feet, they'd left the world as though they'd never been there to begin with.

Everything they wanted to achieve...

It was disappointing. They'd been foolish to think that they alone could force the world to become that ideal place. The world had been fine just as it'd been, if only they'd left it alone. It was the thought of what they could've done with all that wasted effort that left behind the worst ache.

It was knowing that he'd failed her that made it worse.

“From the start, we should've-”

Lifting a hand was easier than expected. He placed it on top of the bowed head in front of him.

“Adam.”

His words halted and he visibly jumped at his touch. It was interesting – the fact that he could touch him. He thought for sure that his hand would go right through, but there he was; crouched in front of him, appearing as clear and real to him as if he were alive. Seeing the way he made him jump forced him to laugh, and he ruffled his short hair gently.

“I know,” he told him, keeping his hand where it was. “There are a lot of things like that on my mind too, but there isn't a point in dwelling on it now. Unfortunately, that's probably why we're still here, though. 'How can we die and leave the world if we were never living in it to start with,' right?” Shaking his head, he let his hand fall into his lap. “It's out of our hands now. It's for the best. The world isn't ours anymore. It's theirs now to do with as they see fit, and all we can do is hope that they see it through without scorching any more scars into its surface.”

Adam lifted his head. Judging by the way he looked at him, there were more things that he wanted to say, but now wasn't the time. He'd already told him that he wasn't interested in going around in circles. If they started that now, they could keep going at it for eternity, and that wasn't how he wanted to spend his afterlife.

“Save it,” he said. Adam gave him an appropriately indignant look in return. “I just died, Adam. You think I want to hold any existential conversations right now?”

Mouth opening, slowly closing when he came up with no strong and dignified rebuttal, Adam sunk down beside him and put his back to the gravestone he was leaning against.

A moment was all he was asking for; the opportunity to look around, look at him and the startlingly blue sky with clouds that seemed too white. The world that surrounded him was too bright, glowing as if he were viewing it through a soft filter lens. He couldn't be sure whether it were death's fault or whether the world had just always looked that way and he'd simply never noticed. It was a lot more peaceful than he expected it to be, remembering what it was like to encounter the soldiers he'd taken with his own hands, but recalling that distant memory also made him notice the unsettling feeling of uncertainty that still lingered inside of him.

He knew back then, and now he knew for sure. Death was no end and no escape for someone like him – for them.

“Say,” he started, nudging Adam in the arm with his elbow. “How'd you know I'd be here, anyway? I didn't follow my body?”

He rolled his head back, looked up at the sky, squinting. “You weren't attached to that body. I watched you die, then I watched them take your body away. I didn't see _you_ for hours, but I stayed right here because I knew that you wouldn't leave this spot. I know the significance of this grave to you. If you're expecting to see The Boss, though... She's not here. She's probably not anywhere. Probably left a long time ago.”

More disappointment. But, “That's fine. I don't want to think that she saw what became of us.”

A silence passed then. He didn't feel like getting up yet.

Then, quietly, “John.”

He turned his head and his eyes met Adam's. They stared at each other for a moment, Adam no doubt sharing the same unusual sense of déjà vu he was feeling. “What is it?” he asked.

His response was a smile that held only a fraction of the ego he was used to seeing. Genuinely, he looked happy to see him.

“Nothing,” he said, laughing. “I just wanted to say your name and hear you respond. It's been years, you know.”

That was just like him. “You always were the sentimental type...”

“What's that supposed to mean?” Adam groused, nudging him back this time.

Would The Boss be rolling in her grave? Would she be happy to see them acting like they had never parted? Just as Adam had watched over him, he should have been watching him, too. Part of that unnamed, insecure feeling definitely stemmed from that oversight. It both filled him with relief and regret to hear him sounding like his old self.

John shook his head. “I'm just glad that some things endured. You sound like you used to.”

The thought seemed to make Adam uncomfortable. He'd always been a great liar, but his feelings showed easily on his face. “Not like I have anything to hide now – not like I _can_ , rather. I'm free of the nanomachines... My own self-hypnosis... But, being like this– I don't know. I'm probably more myself now than I ever was, but I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know who _I_ am. A sense of self didn't have a lot of meaning to someone who was always whatever the situation required.”

With an acknowledging grunt, John finally pushed himself up and stood. “Isn't that fine? If you're able to see things that clearly, then it sounds to me like you know exactly who you are.” When he looked down at him, he wished he had a cigar – or something to distract himself, at least. He didn't like that face. “Doesn't matter much anyway. I know who you are, so if it makes you feel better... you can keep following me. Being haunted by you doesn't sound like the worst.”

“Yeah,” Adam muttered, his eyes blankly searching the ground. After a moment, he nodded and said more firmly, “Yeah. It's like you told him. If the world doesn't need any more snakes, then it doesn't need 'Ocelot', either. That person is gone. From now on, I'm just Adamska.” He looked up at him, smiling faintly. “Whoever that is, right?”

John extended a hand which Adam gratefully accepted, and he pulled him to his feet. Their hands didn't linger together for any longer than they had to. He wasn't letting go. This time, they weren't going to get lost.

“Let's go,” he said, his eyes on the horizon.

“Where?” Adam asked. “You have somewhere in mind?”

Not in the least, but that was usually how his plans got started. “Dunno. Like you said, there's no point in sticking around here, though. Gotta move on.”

Making a thoughtful sound, Adam patted him on the back and started walking off ahead of him, spurs jingling. “Maybe I'll lead this time, then. I don't know about you, but I want to see what sort of world he makes now.”

He was curious too, but he painfully acknowledged that the world that laid ahead wasn't theirs. They didn't deserve it.

Even this old fondness wasn't something he deserved, he thought as he watched Adam's back retreating ahead of him. He was still selfish, though.

Even in death, yes, he was still selfish.

He moved his feet. They obeyed, and he quickened his pace to catch up with him.


End file.
